Flip! Flop! Shit!

What do I know? Installment...umm..maybe 6 or 7. Who's counting?  This is gonna be a simple one and will not apply in winter. Flip-flops are a deathtrap when used unwisely. Their cute, if your feet are pedicured and tended to, almost sexy. The deathtrap comes when it's pouring rain and one,(me) is trying to avoid drowned-rat-syndrome and not get soaked. RUN! Bad idea folks.  At this point your feet and flops are likely already wet, One of a few things may happen. The flops may going flying off your feet and your toesies are left to bare ground. Or if the flops have any kind of height to them, your foot will slide sideways and you may turn your ankle causing screaming and hopping like an idiot. And the latest thing that happened to me...the ungraceful, unexpected slide on the paved lines on the road.  Spare yourself the embarrassment, possibly broken ankle, whip 'em off and RUN Forrest, RUN ! Your grace will be reinstated. 

FLASH! forward..backward..hell, just FLASH!

This is too funny not to post. Flashers can be both funny and HOT! Let me be clear. I am not referring to the flasher that lurks behind a bush and is likely out on an unassisted daypass. I refer in this case to the neighbor who, after getting out of his hottub, is trying in vain to switch from wet trunks to dry ones, precariously holding a towel to shield the others in his yard from...AHEM...'his goodies'. Neighbor did not take into consideration that he is in close proximity to his neighbors and while he may be concealed from his yardmates, he isn't from me!  I'm sure if he knew of my observation, he'd be rather embarrassed.... trust me.... there's no need! No need indeed. On a sidenote, I am proud to say that I asserted remarkable self-control and did not catcall something such as 'would you like fries with that shake??'. Still not sure how I managed it. And that my fellow readers, is that best your getting.  I now have a sudden need to go sit in the backyard.

Dirty kitty? Nevah!

What do I know? Installement..something..maybe three. Cats are obsessive about cleaning. This won't be of much use to many unless your trying to sleep beside a cat who finds the need to keep you awake because it's bathtime.  There seem to be two classes of the cleaning regime to consider. The full-on-head-to-toe- bath and the 'i got something on my face that's bugging me' quickie clean. The quickie is much less irritating and is done to get rid of, say, unwanted food crumbs. This type of cleaning can sometimes be less than graceful , as in the cat who drags his crusty arse across the carpet risking rug burn and all out humiliation. The full on bath is something that can occur anytime, day or night. I have yet to figure out a set schedule. I have been woken or kept awake by cats who absolutely MUST clean every inch of their bodies no matter the hour, or walked in on cats, mid afternoon, leg almost wrapped around the neck,  cleaning...well you know what's being cleaned.  I have discovered three things about both types of cleaning. One. There is no room for breaks during the clean. I guess when the job must be done, it must.  Two. Do not try and deter the cleaner by say putting your hand in the way because it's annoying. It won't work and you will either be subjected to stinkeye or, one of my cats simply tries to clean me. He seems to know that the scratchy, wet tongue is not pleasurable to humans. Three. NO shame. Middle of dinner. No shame. Absolute strangers gawking. No shame. Anyone who's watched them clean knows what 'no shame' will mean.  While humorous, at times annoying or inconvenient, I have to admire the persistence and how they just know from very early on how to do it and that it must be done. I only wish they took the cleaning a step further to say, vacuuming and scrubbing the bathtub.  

AA for aliens?

This is gonna fall under the category of pretty useless crap, so be forewarned. What do I know? Installment 4. Aliens are far more entertaining when they are either alcoholics or full of attitude. This little observation comes after yet another great time in front of the TV watching my favorite alien, Roger from American Dad. The rest of the show, while funny is not that spectacular to be honest, but Roger is killer and if this is possibly with animation, has spot-on delivery! He's usually drunk or well on the way and always full of attitude, mainly of the drag queen variety. Moving on to ALF! Cheezy crap, badly acted show, but the furry bugger was funny and yes, E.T. was sweet and endearing, but really not full of the haha. Hell even ALF himself laughed at his own obnoxiousness. Aliens in movies, mainly 'Alien'...kinda scary and rarely sport martinis. I don't watch the show much, but Futurama certainly got a few laughs from me too. One trend in these aliens though, and I'm not sure if it's not a bit sad is their bitterness. But then again, they are generally trapped here without a lot of choice. Nevahmind, I'd be bitter too and possibly an alcoholic. Now I want a margarita...and a box of Reeses Pieces (if your paying attention, that's a Rogerism).

if you build it, they will come

This little blog will be a follow-up to the baby bird story. So..What do I know? Maybe it's not so much a 'if you build it' situation as a 'if you invite one, they will follow' situation. Baby birds are long gone and presumably released into the wild to lead happy little lives. I let them build nests two years in a row, so I guess I had it coming when fate dealt the family a bad hand and they got pushed through the vent and into my hands. My pleasure to do it. They really are cute after all. In doing so, however, I think I invited the rest of the neighborhood's wildlife into my life. Not two days after bidding the birdies farewell, I have a rather well-fed raccoon (not that I've ever seen a skinny one) on my back doorstep. Funny thing is, when I first saw it, it was peering right where the nest was built. I don't think raccoons have much interest in birds, do they? More likely, it's interested in an overgrown patch of rhubarb. Away, mooch! I have jam to make! So now this brazen little fellow frequents the yard and the yards of the neighbors without fear and I haven't got the heart to shoo it away, so I can't complain if Bambi makes an appearance, now can I? Not that that's happened..yet. 

messy is gooood

This little tidbit is most likely occurring to me because it's laundry day and I just bought a new bottle of SHOUT. So..What do I know? The messier the food, the better. For those of you whose minds have a tendency to always go 'there', and yes I tend to be one of them, this is not inspired by a Mickey Rourke-Nine and a Half Weeks-dirty food fetish thing. That's entirely another blog in itself and for today, I'm opting for the G-rated blog. Coffee, if your me, you spill it on yourself and I'm a coffee girl, so to me it falls into the yummy category.  Anything flax related, and I know, I know, it's good for you, but still, not so yummy. Brownie batter, licking the beater and sticking your head in the bowl shamelessly. Yummy and very messy. Salad, not so much. Poutine! My Canadian readers will understand this, but others may have to discover it for themselves. French fries, doused in gravy and melted cheesy curds. Sacre bleu! The gravy, she's delish, oui? Fish fillet..too neat and this is a personal opinion..ick!  Creamsicles on a hot day that you can never eat fast enough and have it running down your hand does not compare to tofu that can be bounced off a wall, even if it's been dipped in Ben & Jerry's! There are of course exceptions to most rules. I love licorice and it's pretty neat, but I think I've made a pretty good point. Now go eat and don't forget the napkins! I have a cup of 'jo waiting for me...wish me luck.  

bird doo-doo

This is not gonna be especially useful to the average Joe, but who knows who might see this. What do I know? Installement #1.  If you hold a terrified-out-of-his-pinhead-sized-brain bird (in my case a Starling), he will most likely poop on your hand. 

One more thing. The amount of poop such a small bird can expel is rather disproportionate to the size of the bird.